i wish i could explain

i wish i could explain what my life is like now and what i've learned and what i still don't understand. but it's just so much. people ask innocently, "so what do you do over there anyway?" and i find myself at a complete loss for words. nothing, really. when it comes right down to it i'm mostly sitting and watching people and wasting the government's money. but at least i don't waste much of it.
and sometimes the questions people ask almost make you physically flinch. people who use words like "civilized" and "backward" are hard to answer. and you know from the reactions you're getting that you're only telling this tiny little piece of the story. either everything's awful or everything's amazing and it's hard to explain the range in between. so far a lot of people seem to approach it with the mindset that it isn't really all that different. i've had questions about the regularity of my electricity, whether most guineans speak english, etc., etc. and you don't want to explain things in a way that makes it sound like, "ooh, i'm so hardcore. i live in africa and do my laundry in the river." but you can't explain the problems without explaining the whole complicated background, and pretty soon you can tell you're talking too much and your audience has stopped listening.
probably about like now. so i'll stop for tonight.

another update from africa, soon to be montana

hello again, my beloved reading public,

should you ever happen to read this blog again, i am still in africa. but on monday i'm coming home for a few weeks and it is both exciting and nerve-wracking. as i'm sure you can imagine. though more in a vague way than in a way that resembles what it's really like. it's almost a year since i left, and it will be nice to look home in the face again, reassure myself that it is still there, more or less as i left it.

i realized something ironic the other day. part of the reason i am here is as a result of a deep-seated fear when i was younger of leading a boring life. i swore to myself in high school that the average, ordinary, everyday life i saw all around me was not what i would settle for. and so i melodramatically intended to "follow my dreams" and etc., which nonsense led me here to guinea. and i have spent more of the last year bored out of my mind than i can possibly describe to you. endless, endless hours are taken up just staring out into the carrefour, watching kids playing and women selling food and passing taxis. when i feel like i've been in one spot too long i move to another, thus observing the intersection that has become my life from various angles and perspectives. sometimes i visit people's houses and watch kids playing and or women braiding hair or two sister friends of mine who play a strange board game over and over again all afternoon. oh, sure, sometimes i talk to people and sometimes i go places and sometimes i do laundry or carry bidons of water on my head, but mostly i watch things. so there you go. the best of intentions...

in answer to the anonymous question, in some ways africa is much more beautiful than anyone can tell you and in others it is more horrible than i can explain. and now a question of my own -- who the heck are you and why do you ask questions anonymously? if you want to get in touch with me, you should.